Been a while since I walked down the hall of the Survivor Q & A series, otherwise knows as our survivor of suicide loss interview series.
Suicide changes lives…lives like mine…and lives like Dempsey Rice.
Meet Dempsey, Survivor & Filmmaker
Part 5 of the Suicide Q & A Series features Dempsey Rice. Dempsey lost her mother to depression and suicide but thankfully the creative process helped her get her giggle back.
Giggle On® pledged to help Dempsey make the 10th Anniversary DVD of her award winning documentary film “Daughter of Suicide” a reality! I am honored Dempsey chose to share her story here at Giggle On. THANK YOU!
Please consider making a donation to Dempsey’s project. Reaching out to our fellow survivors to show them love and support is not just an honor, I feel it is my moral and spiritual duty. Survivors need to know they are not alone. Sharing our stories with each other helps us all heal. Many of us share the same path of healing: we grieve, we give back and then we can giggle again.
Each story teaches us something new and yet all stories are bound by a common thread. Love.
Love is Forever
(As time wears on, I see less death in these stories and more love – odd, isn’t it?)
Life ends. Things change but love never dies. We may cry. We may scream. We may yield to change but at the end of the day we all have the ability to tap into love. Love is always. It is forever. Perhaps it sounds silly to you, but to me, it just is. Love is always, all the time.
Survivor Q & A with Dempsey Rice
1. How was grieving the loss of your loved one by suicide different (if at all) from the loss of another loved one who did not die by suicide?
In August 1987, a week before I left for my freshman year at college, my best friend was hit and killed by a car. Two months later, in October 1987, my mother killed herself. I was 18 years old.
These are the only two sudden deaths I have ever experienced and they are really intertwined for me. That said, 23 years later I realize that it has been my mother’s death that has had the longer term and more intense impact on my life. The only other death I have experienced as an adult was that of my maternal Grandmother who died at the age of 99, many, many years after my mother. My Grandmother’s death was welcome in many ways — her life was long and very full and we all had time to say good bye. Grieving my mother’s death was a years long struggle with my own depression, my guilt, my fear and my feelings of abandonment that really closed in 2000 with the completion of my documentary film Daughter of Suicide.
2. In the aftermath of your loved one’s death, what 3 Things helped you learn to enjoy life and laugh again…aka getting your giggle back? (could be a person, movie, habit, book, yoga, blog, pastor, support group – anything).
There is really only one thing that helped me get my giggle back: the creative process.
But that process is multi-layered and full of so many actions, thoughts, discussions and feelings that it is really thousands of things all rolled up into one. The creative step I took as a filmmaker was to begin a documentary project called “Daughter of Suicide ” (that was to eventually air on HBO) in October of 1997 (almost ten years to the day after my mother’s death) about her life and death and about how we (her family and friends) survived it.
My initial thought was to make a documentary about the grassroots suicide prevention movement that was growing out of the survivor community. I thought I was doing just fine: I had survived a suicide and I might be able to help others. Looking back, I see how naïve I was – I was not “fine” ten years after my mother killed herself, I was a mess! But in that moment, I thought I was a pillar of strength; as a result, I started videotaping family members and friends while talking to them about my mom. A good friend volunteered to interview me for the project and suddenly I was making a film.
I interviewed my father and sister, my aunts and uncle, my grandmother, a cousin and my mom’s best friend. I talked and talked about my mom and I asked questions: Who was she? What was she like as a child? As a wife? As a young mother? As a friend? My father told me about her post-partum depression, my grandmother talked about her as a happy and precocious child, and her best friend told me how supportive and open she was as a friend. I heard over and over what a GOOD friend she was, what a GOOD wife she was, what a GOOD child she was… despite the darkness that she struggled with.
I began to understand what a wonderful woman my mother had been and started comparing the stories I was hearing with my own more recent memories of her depression and anger and eventual suicide. That last year of her life, and her eventual suicide, blotted out much of the happiness I felt as a child but suddenly I was learning something new. I was asking questions and actually getting answers about all of her ups and downs. Good memories were coming back and it felt like she was speaking to me through friends and family. I was finally in conversation with my mother! It was exciting and devastating — the loss of her hit me all over again and the load of her suicide grew heavier as I moved forward documenting her life.
Several times during the three years it took for me to make “Daughter of Suicide”, I thought about walking away from the project.
I lived my mother’s life and her death over and over again.
I was immersed in its depth and struggled for perspective. I continued attending support groups and participating in the survivor community which was very helpful, but it was individuals outside that community (my family, friends, the documentary film community…) who recognized the importance of what I was doing who helped me get the film done.
When DAUGHTER OF SUICIDE was released in early 2000 I was invited to be a guest on a few TV shows, I traveled to film festivals and it eventually premiered on HBO. My pain, my family’s pain, was out there for everyone to see and it felt surprisingly good! It was as if the making of the film released all of my demons. My load was suddenly lighter despite the fact that my mom was still dead, still a suicide. I’d stepped into her darkness and came out the other side brighter, happier and freer. I could GIGGLE again! I could laugh and smile and actually ENJOY living!
3. Did you feel guilt for laughing again and enjoying life after your loved one’s death? Meaning, did you feel you were not honoring their memory because you moved past intense grief?
Simply put, no. I suffered for just about thirteen years after my mother’s suicide — I carried around pain and fear and depression all of the time. I feel like I suffered enough! I continue to honor her memory as an artist, as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend and as a mother myself but I do NOT feel bad about moving on with my life. I wish I had been able to much earlier than I did!
4. For those of you past the 12 month mark of a loved one’s suicide, what advice would you give to someone who has recently lost someone to suicide?
Everyone’s has their own time line and you should grieve as long as you need to. Don’t let anyone tell you that you should be done with it. That said, give yourself permission to be happy, to giggle, to laugh, to enjoy brief moments of life, to look for the silver lining and to move on when you are ready! In addition, I encourage you to seek out other survivors of suicide on the web or at support groups. There is power and healing in group talk and in knowing that others UNDERSTAND your story.
5. What type of resources do you feel survivors of suicide need the most?
Survivors of suicide need to know that they are not alone, that what they are feeling is OK and that there is NO SHAME in losing someone to suicide. My film “Daughter of Suicide” was made to pull surviving out of the closet and to let survivors know that there are many of us and that feelings of anger, depression, frustration and fear are all OK.
Survivors also need to know that they will live THROUGH the experience, that they will not remain mired in grief and that is possible to THRIVE after suicide.
Giggle On Survivor of Suicide Loss Interview Series