Meeting potential mates in a digital forum is odd. Online dating is trendy and artificial, like Twinkies were in the 1970’s. But I digress.
Here’s a vomitus Email I got had the non-pleasure of reading this week from some ass-wipe on Match.com. Ladies, grab your barf bags. This isn’t pretty.
This is why I don’t “do” online dating anymore:
Dear Italian Princess:
You checked out my profile and said “Nope”. I checked out yours and said “Yep”. All ties go to the guy. Only an Italian man will truly appreciate your beautiful facial features and the straightforward wit you possess. To the point. We match right down the line. There are things about me that you will like and appreciate which are not in my profile. I’m sure the same goes for you. I have 0 baggage. My life is good, but could be much better with someone to yell at on occasion. Or better yet, someone to love. I plan a move in the next few months to be in or near a city. Just haven’t decided which one as yet. You could spend a few hours of your life talking/meeting with me to see if we should be together. Ocean City, Baltimore, China…name it, I’ll be there. I look forward to your reply. Have an exceptional night!
My reply. Enough said, right?
Your E-mail is bold and succinct but calling me an Italian Princess was not a good move. Not good. Italian Princess has a bad connotation in my dictionary. Calling me one does not gain you any favor.
Score Board Alert: Woman 2 Man 0
Italian yes – Princess NO. I don’t wear gold, have fake nails, tease my hair or chew gum. I’ve never asked my father for money, except for milk and pretzel money when I was under the age of 13. It took me 7 years to put myself through college. I worked my ass off in the restaurant business to pay for that piece of paper with a BA on it. I own my home and run a successful business. I am a person, not a princess. I pay taxes. I don’t levy them. Understand?
You have zero baggage??? I bet Gandhi and Mother Teresa had baggage – a coin purse in size perhaps? I have baggage. Not that much – maybe the size of a small carry-on bag or purse, but I do have it. If Gandhi, Mother Teresa and I all have baggage, surely you must have some too? Maybe you should check under your bed.
P.S. Who likes getting yelled at anyway?
If this is what the men in the dating world have to offer, I’ll stay single. Oy-veh!